Hazing

When I was in college, I was a member of Phi Sigma Pi National Honors Fraternity. AKA the Nerd Herd. It was more fun than it sounds, really; smart people are extremely entertaining when they are drunk. To this day, I am not really sure why they let me in. This organization followed rules to a T. One of my best friends, Kristy, was the president of Phi Sigma Pi. Under the Kristy regime, every rule was meticulously followed. This chick ran a seriously tight ship. Our meetings were efficiently run according to Robert's Rules of Order. Nobody spoke out of turn, people attended events, and there was ABSOLUTELY no hazing. Kristy is now the vice president of a company. She is under 30, and she is a vice freaking president! I can just imagine her little worker bees scurrying around the office when they hear her coming.

I often ask Kristy's advice on business related things. Those of you who know me in real life, you are aware of my inability to make decisions. Without direction, I ponder options that don't even exist. I fight for things I am not even sure I want. This is particularly troubling when it comes to career related issues. I am in constant turmoil between my desire to stay home with my kids and my drive to become rich and famous. Well, not exactly rich and famous...more like comfortable and respected.

So far, I have managed to have the best of both worlds. I work from home and also teach part time at a college. A lot of people would kill for this situation. I am able to be home with my little ones while having some outside interaction and a reason to get a shower. What more can a mom ask for? No, seriously...this is not a rhetorical question. It seems as though this is not enough for me. I decided to apply for a full time teaching position at the college where I am currently an adjunct. Everybody seemed to think this was a wonderful opportunity for meaningful, stable employment that has relatively flexible hours. I was not so sure if I wanted this job, as I already have a job that I like that allows me to work from home. In my PJs. While pretending to be a barnyard animal with my son. I decided to give it a whirl nevertheless. What's the harm in trying, right? Wrong.

I had my interview a couple weeks back. Now, I understand I am completely in the minority on this, but I LOVE job interviews. I love everything about interviewing: smiling at people, wearing my really cute interview outfit, spouting off shit that I have read, and dazzling them with my sparkling personality. I have always been really comfortable in interviews, and usually manage to turn them into wonderful conversations, at the end of which the interviewer not only wants to offer me the job, but also hand over the keys to their vacation property. Boy was I in for a surprise.

My interview for a tenured track assistant professor position was anything but a nice conversation. I met with 15 different people over an 8 hour time frame. They GRILLED me with question after question. They kept their heads down and furiously scribbled down every single word that came out of my mouth. They made me eat lunch with two men who 1. did not even notice my ass, and 2. spent the whole time discussing Modernism in American Literature. I don't even know what the hell that is, and I didn't even care enough to google it when I got home.

They kept me in a small room with no windows and poor circulation. They kept giving me water and coffee and only let me out for short 5 minute pee breaks. It was torturous! I was hazed! I kept glancing at the door, waiting for Kristy to swoop in and save me. "Objection!", she would scream, "Hazing: Article 4565.97! ". Unfortunately, this didn't happen. She must have been too busy with all that Vice President bullshit. Whatever.

So, I haven't heard yet whether or not I have gotten this job. I will probably be getting a call soon, so clear your schedule Kristy. If they offer me the job (which I doubt), I may be stopping into your office unannounced so you can help me make a list of pros and cons. And have your assistant type it up for me, complete with clipart...I really like clipart.