In order to satisfy your curiosity, I shall now divulge the story behind Mrs. Miller the Fourth Grade Killer's christmas gift.
My mother, (let's just call her Sandy), is not the type to give someone a generic gift. No candles or coffee mugs for this holiday elf. Sandy likes to give thoughtful and inspiring gifts. Sandy knew how much I disliked Mrs. Miller, but she did the right thing. She ordered her a nice set of pro-teacher notecards printed on recycled paper. How could a teacher not love that?
Well, as it turns out, said notecards had an earth and a peace sign on them....underneath were scribed the words "Wouldn't it be nice if schools had all the money they need and the military had to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber." As it turned out, Mrs. Miller had taken up schoolteaching only AFTER she had retired from the military. As you can imagine, she did not get the joke, much less appreciate it. That was strike 2 for me. (Strike 1 was, of course, the fact that I was smarter than her.)
Stay tuned for Strike 3: The Recycling Debacle
When you are a mom, rainy days are your worst nightmare. Without the luxury of "running off some steam", kids can quickly turn into whiny, combative little monsters. It sucks. In an effort to beat the "rainy day blues", we made a volcano out of junk that we found laying around the house. We also stayed in our PJs all day, ate our lunch in a fort in the living room, and painted some lovely pictures. I think I like rainy days now.
Here is another writing assignment, courtesy of
http://mamakatslosinit.blogspot.com/
Dear Little Miss Whimsy,
I understand that this is quite possibly the worst year of your life. Looking back after all this time, I need you to know that you are right. Mrs.-Miller-the-Fourth-Grade-Killer is a horrible teacher and a complete bitch (please don't tell Mom I said that). Her plaid bellbottomed pantsuits are not OK. Her inclination to dump your desk all over the floor in front of the whole class is not OK. Her inability to treat her students like people is not OK. You are right to be pissed and hate school.
OK, don't get all down on yourself because of the realization that this year will suck so badly for you that you will still remember it in 18 years. Let's take a look at the bright side. The next 18 years of your life are going to be, like, totally awesome. Let me break it down for you:
1. You are going to keep all of your awesome friends. I am not even kidding. You will still talk to them when you are as old as me. They will always be there for you when you need them. They are truly irreplaceable.
2. You are going to meet more awesome friends. They will be smart and funny, and appreciate how smart and funny you are. One or more of them may even tell you that you are a good singer. More than one of them will appreciate your extraordinary abilities at trivia games. They will also come over to your house even though they are allergic to your animals.
3. Your baby sister grows up to be a REALLY cool chick. I would actually consider her to be a great friend. She is smart, pretty, and witty. You are going to love her even more than you do now. (Note: When you are a crabby teenager and she hides your car keys, they are in the fig tree.)
4. Your mom will eventually be one of your best friends. You will appreciate her intelligence, her resourcefulness, and her ability to be comfortable with the fact that she is almost always right. You will almost even kinda want to be a little bit just like her.
5. You will soon realize how much Tom loves you and that he is honestly the most supportive person you will ever meet. He is also really wonderful at making mixed drinks. You should start calling him Dad.
6. You are going to have a great husband. He will be so wonderful that you will be able to overlook the fact that he is a horrible speller and he once wore very ugly shoes. He will always remind you how wonderful you are and he can fix almost everything. He is also good at directions. And he is hot. 'Nuff said.
7. You are going to have two great kids. One of them actually reminds me of you. She is really freaking funny, super cute, and outrageously talented. The other one reminds me of a clown. A really adorable clown with no props or makeup. You will love them more than anything and really enjoy being their mother.
Do you understand now? If you can get through this year, things will be smooth sailing. You will be free to live a charmed life. A couple of tips to get you through:
1.The next time Mrs. Miller dumps your desk, thank her and give her a really big smile. It will throw her off.
2. Do not, I repeat, do not give this meanie-teacher the christmas gift your mother purchases for her. It will only make things worse. Much, much worse. Trust me. Give her a construction paper cutout of a christmas tree or something. You will thank me later.
3. On the last week of school, you will give Mrs. Miller the book "Sodoko and the Thousand Paper Cranes". She will read this book aloud to the class and she will cry real tears. Only then will you realize that she is a real live human and she actually has feelings. Mrs. Miller has a heart. It is just hard to see because it is covered with all those layers of ice.
4. Michael Jackson will turn out to be a complete weirdo.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Whimsy
I wish I understood more about nature. Take these fish for instance:
Do you see them? That gargantuan school of fish went swimming by us last month at the beach. They were swimming so feverishly that they were loud. Loud slapping noises. That part was a bit disconcerting to me for some reason, but it was fascinating nonetheless. It made me wonder...where were they going? To feed? To escape a dangerous predator? When they got there, would they hang out for a while or would they turn right around and start over?
Fin and tail slapping aside, I wish I knew more about the wonders of nature. I am going to look these little guys up and find out what they are all about.
We went to the beach last month and it became pretty clear that Ethan and Emily have very different "vacation styles". Emily loved playing in the water and digging for stuff. Ethan loved wandering aimlessly in the sand. Seriously, I have never seen a kid walk around so much in my life. Andy or I would have to go follow him and attempt to convince him that he should come hang out where all the chairs and toys are. Sometimes, we would have to send in the big guns to talk Ethan down from the dunes.
She had much better results...she is very persuasive.
Andy and I pretended we were in college again and played beer pong on the dining room table with my sister and her friend. We were a little rusty at first, but we got back into the swing of things a little too easily. Our opponents never saw it coming.
Wandering aside, we all had a great time.
While getting the kids dressed for bed:
Emily: What's up with Ethan's shorts? Are they mine?
Me: No, they aren't yours. They are just extra comfy shorts we have laying around...they are miscellaneous.
Emily: Why is he wearing her shorts?
Me: Whose shorts?
Emily: Miss Alaneous
Hi! I had the month of July completely off from work...which never ever happens. As a result, I found myself way too busy to visit you, Internet, but now I am back! The good news is...I have a lot to write about.
First up on the agenda: we planted a garden! I was not too hopeful...past attempts at growing crops have not been very, um, productive. Actually, past attempts have been pretty laughable. Let's just say corn, peppers, beans, and watermelon do not grow very well when planted in a 2x5-ish space. In an effort to learn from past mistakes, we opted to use big pots.
Here's Emily helping out:
Yes, I guess I do allow my children to be barefoot outdoors...hmm. We planted tomatoes, beans, herbs, and bell peppers.
Ethan helped too. Well, kind of.
This was quite a while ago...and I know how this story ends. But what do you think? Were we able to avoid the pitfalls of our past? Was I able to overcome my not-so-green thumb and grow something useful? Stay tuned for our next episode.
